Because it haunts me

It's all about gathering your courage to take that first step

What is the point of this blog?

This is the clock my daughter fixed when we first moved into this house. The chains of the clock became knotted and jammed the inner workings during our last cross-country move. It was an ugly mess. Patiently, my daughter used a knitting needle and undid the knots. The tedious work took hours to complete, but she did it and got the clock working. For ten years the clock ran without a hitch until July 1, 2011.Without warning the clock stopped. The chains once more refused to move. An odd coincidence since it was the day my daughter ran away from home.

My smart, talented girl had gotten involved in drugs. She was still beautiful but there was also something mean that lived inside her. I tried getting her help. I wanted her healthy and safe, but it wasn’t enough that I wanted her back. I knew logically she had to want help, but you know it doesn’t stop me from wanting to save her.

After months of her running and a whole lot of drama, my daughter agreed to get help. She’s been staying in a rehab center for months. She is healing and preparing to start a new life on her own now that she’s been sober for ten months. But she’s different. I guess we all are now. I am hopeful and at the same time there’s always fear that tickles at the back of my neck. It’s one those Mom Things.

The clock remains frozen in time and unable to move on. Sadly, it’s kind of like me. I have spent so long living in fear for her that I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to do now. Maybe it’s the aftershock of going through all this crap. Maybe it’s depression. Maybe I’m still afraid for her. Or perhaps it is all of those reasons. Whatever the cause, I need to move on from hurting because I feel like I’m living my life on autopilot. I need to stress that this NOT her fault. I am my own person, and I alone control my life.

So here’s the point of this blog. This is a way for me to fulfill a promise to myself to heal in 2013. I plan to look for the good, the humorous and the beautiful. But most of all, I plan to find something daily that sparks my imagination. I’ll post pictures and quotes that I think rock. From time to time, I’ll post essays detailing my exploits as I try out new things. Here’s the biggie: I plan to post every day. Yes, every day. Sometimes it might not be until the evening, but I will post. I know it’s a huge commitment especially for me. I think I blogged fourteen times in 2012. But there’s something about making this challenge public that feels important to me. Maybe it’s because I don’t like failing in front of others.

I think this will help me move on. I think it’ll be amazing in a way. At the very least I hope by going through this project that I find my sense of humor and feel less like I’m roaming lost in the fog.

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